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The Elderly Transformation

The old gray mare she aint what she used to be. Many long years ago.

Or maybe she is? I don’t know. It’s a horse. Let me get some Elmer’s for my artwork and let’s be done with it.

I ought to have said old gray people aint what they use to be. Why you may say? Let me count the ways.

  • Speed – I have noticed that old people have two speeds. They are either a tortoise or a hare. There is no casual acceleration. The bearing’s in which this occurs most frequently is on the road. There are old people driving 25 MPH in a 50 MPH zone. Yes, I know you may have driven a Model T and are use to the 25-30 MPH speed, but see that number “50” on the speedometer, it’s okay to push your Buick to those blazing speeds.  I feel like Flash each time I pass one of them on the road. I have super power abilities!…Dang, it is just an old person. Oh fecal matter! And no I am not talking about your colostomy bag sir. Then there are those old people speedsters. The ones that make me look like a chump for going 80 in a 65 when they are charging forth at 90-plus. These are daredevils. No, not like the blind superhero, more so the risk-taker variety. It could be that, or that they fell asleep at the wheel. Nap-time down the stretch. Or they could be trying to match their speed with their age. Not sure, but they are swift and hazardous.
  • Patience – Old people seem to lack patience. I noticed this in my retail experience. They are complacent with counting out their $4.56 worth of pennies, but when it comes to me doing my portion of the work, they will not stand for it. Quite literally, I have had to get chairs before. I have put some thought into it and I cannot fathom why they are so impatient. At eighty-two, where do you have to be? A doctor’s appointment? I know they have limited time, but come on, what else are they actually going to accomplish? Is that blood test the highlight of their day?
  • Eye sight – Eye sight fades. Look at me for example, I never had much of it to begin with. So I am sympathetic to their loss. Others do not share my compassionate ways. I have a friend who often thinks old guys are looking at her. A week or two ago we met up and she stated the same case. Two old guys were staring at her. Rightfully so, I bet all guys look at her. Modest in her clothing, but worth a double-take. So why is it that she only notices old guys? It is not because they are perverts. It just takes longer for their eyes to focus. They are not as quick as the young whippersnappers.

 

Once normal people, they have now transformed into old people, the last stage of life. What are you going to do? It’s the elderly transformation.

Original Facebook Status Update:

You always catch old guys checking out girls. It’s not because they are more perverted, it’s because their eyes need more time to focus. Give a guy a break.

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Taintalizing

There are more important tasks I could be undertaking at this particular time, but I am going to be lackadaisical and do what I want…Because I do. I have had some inspirations for a blog frolicking through my mind. The contemplating cavities of my mind. In factuality, they would be called ventricles, but that doesn’t gyrate off the tongue in the same fashion. Plus, who doesn’t love a pair of gyrating C’s? So the ideas and stories I am going to share are simplistic in nature. They are not cuntankerous. They are tantalizing, they are even, dare I say taintalizing. As you read this paragraph of nonsense, you might wonder why I drag out my introductions instead of cutting into the actual subject. I like to build the antica…squirrel!…pation. So while somewhere in the time space continuum there may be another me writing this exact entry and ending it with “Without further ado”, I will be beginning with much further ado. On second thought, that is all I had for the intro.

1.       I believe soap in the eye makes someone a temporary superhuman. On the not too rare occasions that I get soap in my eyes I begin to rabidly maneuver my position in order to obtain some form of relief from this stinging sensation. During this time I care little about what obstacles stand in the way of the cure to this caustic substance. I am superhuman for those few moments. I may start carrying some soap with me in case I ever see a child trapped under a car. Or even better, what if I were to throw soap in the eyes of the mother who is lifting the car to get her child out? A superduperhuman.

I told this idea to someone and they said, “I think any pain will make you do a lot of crazy things. If someone cut their ear off, they would be feeling the same thing.” While this may be true, less people would find it funny if I used a cut ear instead of soap. People can relate to soap. Only people with cut ears would be able to relate to the cut ear scenario, and my guess, they probably would not find it as amusing as I.

2.       I had an individual tell me about an adventure she had in a public restroom. While using the stall she heard some munching going on in the stall adjacent to hers. Moments later a crumpled yellow ball of paper lands on the bathroom tiles and rolls into her sight. This munching was not the much sexier act of two people, no; this woman was enjoying a healthy shit and a hamburger. It was the equivalent of driving and fueling up at the same time. While this may sound a bit disturbing, I have not yet dabbled in the public restroom dining experience, so I am not going to knock it. Instead, it got me thinking…I have never eaten anything while using the facilities. I may be missing out. What if this is some great event that I have just not been privy to? Not to mention its time efficient. Now some of you may have done this to a certain extent, but this woman did not accidentally end up with food on the toilet. She timed it so that she would order a number 2 while taking one. It was an experience. One that has made it on my bucket list.

The best part was at the end. She knocked on the shared wall and asked the lady, “Did you get the B.O Railroads? I have been looking for that one.”

3.       I was getting coffee at Starbucks and one of the girls took my order and gave it to another girl to make. As this girl read my order of a white mocha she glanced up at me with this seductive glance. I thought, I want the best coffee possible, so I returned with a wooing stare of my own. I started working it, throwing in winks and finger pointing, but I only pointed with the thumb so it looked like I was giving her some retarded thumbs ups. Nevertheless, she was digging it. She wrote me a little note, it read “I like the beard,” there was no punctuation, understandable, it was a quick note. I took heed and started stroking the beard. I went along my jaw line to my chin. I did some more finger pointing and then scratched in an upward motion along my cheek. At that moment the eyes turned to fury. She yelled out “YOO BUSSTURRR!” (Translation: You Bastard!..I think.) Then it occurred to me…I just called this deaf girl a prostitute. I turned around and asked the guy behind me “Is there any soap nearby?”

4.        Eh. I think three is enough.