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I Hear the Train A’Coming

It has just been one of those weeks. I assume when people use this quote that they are referring to a negative week. I suppose much of it has to do with the tone they exert into the sentence, but more often than not the quote is conveyed in a disparaging manner. In keeping with the pessimistic perspective of the quote, I will say that it has just been one of those weeks.

Writing is similar to heading towards a known destination. It calms me. Writing is acquiescent way to handle the rumbles of the world. In this informal format, even the sentences I write do not need to follow some sequential train of thought. That is because on this train, I choose the stopping stations and the terminus. So prepare for Mr. Johnson’s ride of ideas. The next stop. Los Banos.

The bathroom. No trip would be complete unless someone urinates. And nothing makes people want to use a restroom more than the act of being in one. It is an interesting concept that was brought to my attention by another uniquely observant individual. After a common argument over the reason for such behavior, we came no closer to solving this phenomenon. Her take was that when a person sees a toilet, it reacts like running water and increases the intensity of the stream that is about to be released. My take was that I believe our body suppresses the need to release the floodgates to a higher extent then we are consciously aware of. Therefore entering a bathroom and coming to the realization that I am about to make it rain gold, triggers a release in my body. This is an example of our common conversations. Neither of us are science specialists, so we tend to bullshit our way through the scientific jargon, and in the end we are usually satisfied with our efforts in attempting to argue a topic that exceeds our knowledge and agree to disagree. (Just to add to it, I believe we went on to have a conversation about the size of crackers shortly thereafter. To ease one’s troubled mind, I would like to say that while I do not remember the convo verbatim and have no official transcript, it is safe to assume I won that conversation too. Then again, I have been told not to assume.)

Next stop. Lofting Lane.

I want to join a bowling league. Once I find a stable position in which I am able to participate actively, I will look to join one. I believe I could develop into a nice bowler. People will say, “I like that bowler…That is a nice bowler!” Yes, I took the liberty of using a Shrek quote and tweaking it to my own needs, what of it? I will also use this time to make bowling shoes a fad. I’m taking those bad boys off the lanes and on the streets. They are inexpensive too. I can get a pair of bowling shoes for three dollars. While I have to continually buy bowling games to keep renting the lane, I see no restrictions on the shoe policy. It’s not like I will not return them, it will just be an unwritten extended renting agreement. Anyhow, back to bowling. It is something I would like to get involved in. Before I get too involved I want to test my bowling skills pre-prep-work on a certain person. I do not know if I will be successful in my attempt to get her on a lane, but if there is a will there is a way. Her and I. Bowling. Mana-a-mana. Other people like to play mono-e-mono, but playing with a sickness that recommends lots of rest seems to contradict one’s intentions of getting better.

Next Stop. Last stop. On a train it is called the terminus. In writing is called the conclusion. Here it is the termusion. You see what I did??? Combined two words! Yeah…I know, not witty.

This blog has helped ease the rotating wheel my hamster thoughts turn on and has brought it back to a neutral position. Not that it was in any danger at all, but this was the perfect activity to bring me to that mind of tranquility in which I can now seep into a slumber. And yeah, I know hamsters are supposed to be nocturnal, but this is my blog, my train, my world and I flip modern commonalities upside down. Yeah, that’s right. No nocturnal hamsters here, ya hurr! How’s that for crazy?

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Taintalizing

There are more important tasks I could be undertaking at this particular time, but I am going to be lackadaisical and do what I want…Because I do. I have had some inspirations for a blog frolicking through my mind. The contemplating cavities of my mind. In factuality, they would be called ventricles, but that doesn’t gyrate off the tongue in the same fashion. Plus, who doesn’t love a pair of gyrating C’s? So the ideas and stories I am going to share are simplistic in nature. They are not cuntankerous. They are tantalizing, they are even, dare I say taintalizing. As you read this paragraph of nonsense, you might wonder why I drag out my introductions instead of cutting into the actual subject. I like to build the antica…squirrel!…pation. So while somewhere in the time space continuum there may be another me writing this exact entry and ending it with “Without further ado”, I will be beginning with much further ado. On second thought, that is all I had for the intro.

1.       I believe soap in the eye makes someone a temporary superhuman. On the not too rare occasions that I get soap in my eyes I begin to rabidly maneuver my position in order to obtain some form of relief from this stinging sensation. During this time I care little about what obstacles stand in the way of the cure to this caustic substance. I am superhuman for those few moments. I may start carrying some soap with me in case I ever see a child trapped under a car. Or even better, what if I were to throw soap in the eyes of the mother who is lifting the car to get her child out? A superduperhuman.

I told this idea to someone and they said, “I think any pain will make you do a lot of crazy things. If someone cut their ear off, they would be feeling the same thing.” While this may be true, less people would find it funny if I used a cut ear instead of soap. People can relate to soap. Only people with cut ears would be able to relate to the cut ear scenario, and my guess, they probably would not find it as amusing as I.

2.       I had an individual tell me about an adventure she had in a public restroom. While using the stall she heard some munching going on in the stall adjacent to hers. Moments later a crumpled yellow ball of paper lands on the bathroom tiles and rolls into her sight. This munching was not the much sexier act of two people, no; this woman was enjoying a healthy shit and a hamburger. It was the equivalent of driving and fueling up at the same time. While this may sound a bit disturbing, I have not yet dabbled in the public restroom dining experience, so I am not going to knock it. Instead, it got me thinking…I have never eaten anything while using the facilities. I may be missing out. What if this is some great event that I have just not been privy to? Not to mention its time efficient. Now some of you may have done this to a certain extent, but this woman did not accidentally end up with food on the toilet. She timed it so that she would order a number 2 while taking one. It was an experience. One that has made it on my bucket list.

The best part was at the end. She knocked on the shared wall and asked the lady, “Did you get the B.O Railroads? I have been looking for that one.”

3.       I was getting coffee at Starbucks and one of the girls took my order and gave it to another girl to make. As this girl read my order of a white mocha she glanced up at me with this seductive glance. I thought, I want the best coffee possible, so I returned with a wooing stare of my own. I started working it, throwing in winks and finger pointing, but I only pointed with the thumb so it looked like I was giving her some retarded thumbs ups. Nevertheless, she was digging it. She wrote me a little note, it read “I like the beard,” there was no punctuation, understandable, it was a quick note. I took heed and started stroking the beard. I went along my jaw line to my chin. I did some more finger pointing and then scratched in an upward motion along my cheek. At that moment the eyes turned to fury. She yelled out “YOO BUSSTURRR!” (Translation: You Bastard!..I think.) Then it occurred to me…I just called this deaf girl a prostitute. I turned around and asked the guy behind me “Is there any soap nearby?”

4.        Eh. I think three is enough.