The Rules of Disneyland: Rule #3
Posted by Titillating Thoughts
The final rule of Disneyland is upon you. For those who had not the ample amount of time to wait for the latest and greatest to be pressed forth from my fingertips, I apologize. Here is to hoping that you followed the third rule unintentionally so.
The reason for the delay is due in part that in contradicts the principle of Disneyland. Think for a moment, why is Disneyland such a wonderful place? Who enjoys its attractions and fantasies more than any other demographic? If you have an idea of who that is…Then the third rule should shine with unprecedented clarity.
3. Do not bring children to Disneyland.
Arriving at the park and witnessing the excitement that is curling at the little one’s mouth as they enter the home of giant mice is wonderful. It affords one the chance to relive their childhood and experience those gratifying moments once more. Children believe the rides they are on are authentic. To give you an example, I took my five-year-old nephew on Star Tours. We weaved through the line, exposing ourselves to spaceships and launch zones. When we finally arrived at the entrance to the ride, he was reveling in his excitement of finally being able to go to space. See for him, this was not a ride, this was an adventure into the depths of space that only Disneyland could provide. Cute right? We reminisce about our own memories of Disneyland and all its splendor, but…
Children are not that cute all the time.
The downsides to bringing a child to Disneyland:
- All emotional phases must be reached. That was rule number one. For a child, that cycle spiral…And that spiral is downwards. Expect the whiney and angry phases to become more prominent as the night progresses. By four post meridiem, expect to be yelling, “Shut the hell up! We stood in that long ass line, you’re going to hug Eeyore!” (Why Eeyore? Because as a child, I have a traumatic experience with Eeyore. I was denied a hug. A hug I so rightly deserved. Eeyore…That dopey ass donkey. Hm. I guess calling him a donkey in this instance is just repetitive.)
- You will not be able to experience all the rides. If you are married to a little person, you may be accustomed to this. If not, then your child will only serve as a hindrance on your path toward the Temple of the Forbidden Eye. If you are a family of three. One of you will have to stay with the child while the other rides. Maybe that works out. It gives you a chance to escape the disaster that is: bringing kids to Disneyland. Or escape that wife that never quite recovered from pregnancy. Too much? (Jokes friends…Jokes.)
- Children want everything. They remind me of the seagulls from Finding Nemo…Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine! No… You should have thought twice before you just had to have that fourteen dollar churro. Now wait with your mother while I buy myself a pair of Mickey ears for thirty dollars that I will wear twice, bring home, and never have any desire to wear again.
- No children = no strollers. I have single handedly proposed a plan that would save thousands of lives a year.
- You do what the children want to do. I mean, you give life to the bugger and now it expects you to do everything it wants to do? It wants you to live for it? I can only handle the Small World once. Anymore and I’ll be hearing Mad World!
That’s a pretty solid list. It strongly advises you against taking children. I lay down concrete examples of what can happen if placed in that situation. It is setting yourself up for a miserable vacation, but…
All I could think about while creating this list was: I can’t wait to take my future children to Disneyland.