Monthly Archives: June 2013

The Rules of Disneyland: Rule #3

The final rule of Disneyland is upon you. For those who had not the ample amount of time to wait for the latest and greatest to be pressed forth from my fingertips, I apologize. Here is to hoping that you followed the third rule unintentionally so.

(If you missed Rule #1 or Rule #2, you know the drill. Finger the O  O and away you go. If you haven’t read any of them, a threesome awaits!)

The reason for the delay is due in part that in contradicts the principle of Disneyland. Think for a moment, why is Disneyland such a wonderful place? Who enjoys its attractions and fantasies more than any other demographic? If you have an idea of who that is…Then the third rule should shine with unprecedented clarity.

3. Do not bring children to Disneyland.

Disneyland Cry

Arriving at the park and witnessing the excitement that is curling at the little one’s mouth as they enter the home of giant mice is wonderful. It affords one the chance to relive their childhood and experience those gratifying moments once more. Children believe the rides they are on are authentic. To give you an example, I took my five-year-old nephew on Star Tours. We weaved through the line, exposing ourselves to spaceships and launch zones. When we finally arrived at the entrance to the ride, he was reveling in his excitement of finally being able to go to space. See for him, this was not a ride, this was an adventure into the depths of space that only Disneyland could provide. Cute right? We reminisce about our own memories of Disneyland and all its splendor, but…

Children are not that cute all the time.

The downsides to bringing a child to Disneyland:

  • All emotional phases must be reached. That was rule number one. For a child, that cycle spiral…And that spiral is downwards. Expect the whiney and angry phases to become more prominent as the night progresses. By four post meridiem, expect to be yelling, “Shut the hell up! We stood in that long ass line, you’re going to hug Eeyore!” (Why Eeyore? Because as a child, I have a traumatic experience with Eeyore. I was denied a hug. A hug I so rightly deserved. Eeyore…That dopey ass donkey. Hm. I guess calling him a donkey in this instance is just repetitive.)
  • You will not be able to experience all the rides. If you are married to a little person, you may be accustomed to this. If not, then your child will only serve as a hindrance on your path toward the Temple of the Forbidden Eye. If you are a family of three. One of you will have to stay with the child while the other rides. Maybe that works out. It gives you a chance to escape the disaster that is: bringing kids to Disneyland. Or escape that wife that never quite recovered from pregnancy. Too much? (Jokes friends…Jokes.)
  • Children want everything. They remind me of the seagulls from Finding Nemo…Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine! No… You should have thought twice before you just had to have that fourteen dollar churro. Now wait with your mother while I buy myself a pair of Mickey ears for thirty dollars that I will wear twice, bring home, and never have any desire to wear again.
  • No children = no strollers. I have single handedly proposed a plan that would save thousands of lives a year.
  • You do what the children want to do. I mean, you give life to the bugger and now it expects you to do everything it wants to do? It wants you to live for it? I can only handle the Small World once. Anymore and I’ll be hearing Mad World!

That’s a pretty solid list. It strongly advises you against taking children. I lay down concrete examples of what can happen if placed in that situation. It is setting yourself up for a miserable vacation, but…

All I could think about while creating this list was: I can’t wait to take my future children to Disneyland.


The Rules of Disneyland: Rule #2

MM Walking

This is Rule #2 in my Disneyland rules SPECIAL. If you did not read Rule #1, you did not miss much. Just the greatest blog post to ever grace the interwebs; that’s all.

Oh, so you do want to read Rule #1?

Just finger this O and it will lead the way.

For those of us continuing the journey. Proceed.

Now then, from the man who brought you Rule #1 and the hit Hip-Hop single Trying Desperately (#1 single on eTunes in FOUR countries, not yet to exist), the man with no plan, that one guy who writes stuff, he needs no further introDUNKtion (Because I am watching the Finals…Some basketball association. Although, the game will be long over by the time this is posted.)…Drum roll please….The titillating Kenny!

I just introduced myself. I just did that.

Next Rule!

2. Do the Disneyland Walk™

Now anyone who has visited this magical kingdom knows of the difficulties that abound when trying to navigate the lands. The way in which to accomplish this task is to perform the Disneyland Walk™. In other words, you do not care what obstacles are in your path, you walk and you do not stop.

The Disneyland Walk™ is an innate subconscious choice. In high school, if you were walking the halls and got shoulder bumped, the dukes would go up. (No, not John Wayne.) In Disneyland it is encouraged. If I get there at eight in the morning and I haven’t disturbed eight lovely couple photos, toppled over a child to get to Goofy first, or scattered a school of, well, a school of schoolgirls by nine, I must still be in the entrance line. You have to put caution to the wind. You walk with no peripheral vision. It is only you and the Matterhorn.

There is one thing you must be somewhat aware of: strollers. Strollers are like the four-wheeled monsters of the amusement park. A bludgeon. Nobody likes them. They slither back and forth with their whiny cargo ready to sideswipe any passersby.

And who’s bright idea was it to let the ten year old push it? There is a reason why ten year olds do not drive in highly congested cities. Does that mean I am advocating for a ten year old to have the right to drive in South Dakota? Sure. I’d be impressed if they hit anything of value out there. You took out the Corn Palace? The Corn Palace? You did the world a favor.

I’m sure everyone has a story or two about being sideswiped by a stroller. Worse yet, the tandem stroller. Now the monster has grown. I don’t even want to know what monster will be revealed when the Octomom uses her hard-earned soft-core porn money to take the children to Disneyland. Get hit by that beast, and there goes your ACL. Stick a fork in ‘em, they’re done.

Or are you? There are always wheelchairs. You can rent one from Disneyland for the price of your first born child. Who do you think they fill those costumes with when it is 100 degrees outside? Don’t worry though. There is always an upside. Here is the chart:

Give up first born –> Get a wheel chair –>Don’t have to wait in long lines.

Let me weigh the options…Whatever is pound for pound the best choice.


The slightly altered rule applies for wheelchairs. They must Disneyland Roll, but the premise is still the same.

So Rule #2…Disneyland Walk™ over Jiminy. There’s no conscience. You follow the Dewey Cox and walk hard. Strollers are inevitable; brace yourself for impact at all times and do the Disneyland Walk™.

The Rules of Disneyland: Rule #1


Disneyland…The happiest place on Earth.

Do I concur with the aforementioned statement? Partially.

My experiences at Disneyland have not been documented to the extent of other interests I have divulged. Yet, do not let that contort your mind into believing that Disneyland is not a legit place to go. While you faithful savants may have your own impression of Disneyland, let me express to you mine. This will be a SPECIAL three part blog. Each blog will contain a rule on Disneyland. If you do not like Disneyland, you may not care for this SPECIAL. Also, I am unsure why I capitalized SPECIAL, but I can’t stop now. I’m no quitter.

Now then, I have broken the Disneyland down to three distinct rules.

There are three rules of Disneyland.

  1. All Six Universal Emotions need to be used. You will come happy; leave angry.

If I had photographer skills other than the capabilities that my iPhone 3GS bestows upon me, I would sit (maybe stand; depending on my mood) outside of Disneyland and take pictures. This would make for a great coffee table book…”The Happiest Faces on Earth.” I would love to capture people on their way in to Disneyland and their way out. When going in, you are fresh and spritely. People are doing little skips down Main Street, not a worry in the world (Well, except for locking up a Fast Pass to Pirates of Caribbean). Now, when people head back down Main Street to leave the park, one might think they stepped on the set of The Walking Dead. If you do not look like a cranky zombie; you are not doing something right (Or you went back and took a mid-day nap. You sly son-of-a-bitch you!). You ever why the characters do not come out at night? It’s because Mickey Mouse doesn’t want to be punched in the face after the realization has set in on some cranky forty-seven year old mother that she just spent $24 dollars on two pretzels. Rule number one implies that every visitor of Disneyland should experience the six universal emotions.

Happiness – “Yay, I’m in Disneyland, this is the start of a wonderful day. Ooh! Look! There’s Pluto! Photo-op!”

Sadness – “Thunder Mountain Railroad is closed down? Wha…I never get to ride this one. *tear* I mean, come on! It’s not like someone died on it.” OR “Where is Jessica Rabbit at? I never seem to find her…*sighs*”

Fear – (Thunder Mountain Railroad opens up. You decide to ride it.) “Holy shit! I think I’m gonna die!”

Disgust – “There is STILL no Aladdin ride? Pitiful.”

Anger – “I HATE STROLLERS!” OR “How the hell do I get out of here?!”


End note: Why don’t they have rides for some of their classic 90s films? Aladdin, Mulan, Hercules, Beauty and the Beast, and flippin’ Lion King.

Aladdin practically writes its own ride.

Check it:

It’d be eye opening. I’m envisioning it taking you wonder by wonder. It would go a variety of directions. Over, sideway, and under. Like…oh, like a magic carpet ride. All, I’m saying is it would be a whole new world.

No, really. Disney should take out that stage they never use in Fantasy Land (Yes, I know my park. What what.) And they should build a giant Cave of Wonders. The ride would be a mini rollercoaster-esque magic carpet ride. I am imagining a mixture between Peter Pan and Indiana Jones. That would be amazing. If you read this Disney, get on it.