Monthly Archives: January 2012

Forgetful Shoes

Another day; another blog. That kind of insinuates that I write blogs everyday, which I do not. This is not to say that I could not, but that I have not, will not, and do not. With all these (k)nots, something must be congested. (Side Note: Wordplay can be hard to use via text.) The assumption is correct. I am congested. Congested with ideas. So let me cough up some phlegm and spread some germs.

I recently bought a pair of TOMS shoes. If you are unaware of TOMS policy it is “One for one.” Meaning that for every pair of shoes I buy they will give an Ethiopian child a pair of shoes. It is a good policy, and one that tempted me into buying TOMS. People may wonder what one pair of shoes for one child is going to do. Well, it is not just helping one child. Due to the high death rate, those shoes will be passed to another kid in six months. Which makes me question if they would be a hand-me-down…or a give-me-up? A bit morbid, but these jokes are deadly.

When I was ordering my TOMS I also looked at the return policy. It stated that if the shoes were the wrong size or I did not find them compelling in any fashion (pun intended) then I would be allowed to return or exchange. This is a standard policy, but then I started thinking what if I bought TOMS, did not like them and returned them. Does TOMS go to poor little Kelile and say, “Hey, I know we just bettered your life with a new pair of shoes and all, but the person who gave you these shoes, returned theirs. So we are going to need the shoes back. This is not just a ‘for one’ type deal.”

I am using innocent victims who have no kismet to respond to this blog. The sad thing is, even if they were connected to the internet via magic; they still would not read my blog. So I take comfort in knowing that I am hating on them consciously, while they are hating on me subconsciously. It works.

The people I do not hate on are those with Alzheimer’s. While relatives and friends may be frustrated from their loved ones lack of memory, I revel in it. Being the wannabe comedian that I am, I love when people laugh at my jokes. Sometimes it is problematic to develop new material. Nobody wants to hear the same joke twice. That is not true for Alzheimer patients. The joke is just as funny the twenty-eighth time as it was the first. All you need is one funny joke. Unlike your audience, it never gets old. You aren’t a joke-teller, tell a story. Not a storyteller, tell an interesting fact. Not a fun-fact person…really? You do not have ONE fun fact? Want to know a fun fact? There is a significant chance of you getting some form of dementia. So there is a significant chance I may be telling you this fun fact for a long time.

SEGUE!

I could smoothly segue into a new idea. I prefer to do it jaggedly.

I have dabbled in retail for awhile. Store standards are always set on having everything faced and shelved appropriately so that there is no glaring lacuna. Being the marketing connoisseur that I am I have noticed many people spend a preponderant amount of time looking down at the ground. My idea consists of creating a store that markets to this idea. Everything is going to be on the floor. It works for Ross and Wal-Mart and theirs is not even deliberate. The store will be a shoe and clothing store. It will be called Shoegazers. To add a bit of wit, the store will only play shoegazing music. M83 anyone? This idea is money. If implemented, I will own the sky. Catch the reference? I know someone did.

Taintalizing

There are more important tasks I could be undertaking at this particular time, but I am going to be lackadaisical and do what I want…Because I do. I have had some inspirations for a blog frolicking through my mind. The contemplating cavities of my mind. In factuality, they would be called ventricles, but that doesn’t gyrate off the tongue in the same fashion. Plus, who doesn’t love a pair of gyrating C’s? So the ideas and stories I am going to share are simplistic in nature. They are not cuntankerous. They are tantalizing, they are even, dare I say taintalizing. As you read this paragraph of nonsense, you might wonder why I drag out my introductions instead of cutting into the actual subject. I like to build the antica…squirrel!…pation. So while somewhere in the time space continuum there may be another me writing this exact entry and ending it with “Without further ado”, I will be beginning with much further ado. On second thought, that is all I had for the intro.

1.       I believe soap in the eye makes someone a temporary superhuman. On the not too rare occasions that I get soap in my eyes I begin to rabidly maneuver my position in order to obtain some form of relief from this stinging sensation. During this time I care little about what obstacles stand in the way of the cure to this caustic substance. I am superhuman for those few moments. I may start carrying some soap with me in case I ever see a child trapped under a car. Or even better, what if I were to throw soap in the eyes of the mother who is lifting the car to get her child out? A superduperhuman.

I told this idea to someone and they said, “I think any pain will make you do a lot of crazy things. If someone cut their ear off, they would be feeling the same thing.” While this may be true, less people would find it funny if I used a cut ear instead of soap. People can relate to soap. Only people with cut ears would be able to relate to the cut ear scenario, and my guess, they probably would not find it as amusing as I.

2.       I had an individual tell me about an adventure she had in a public restroom. While using the stall she heard some munching going on in the stall adjacent to hers. Moments later a crumpled yellow ball of paper lands on the bathroom tiles and rolls into her sight. This munching was not the much sexier act of two people, no; this woman was enjoying a healthy shit and a hamburger. It was the equivalent of driving and fueling up at the same time. While this may sound a bit disturbing, I have not yet dabbled in the public restroom dining experience, so I am not going to knock it. Instead, it got me thinking…I have never eaten anything while using the facilities. I may be missing out. What if this is some great event that I have just not been privy to? Not to mention its time efficient. Now some of you may have done this to a certain extent, but this woman did not accidentally end up with food on the toilet. She timed it so that she would order a number 2 while taking one. It was an experience. One that has made it on my bucket list.

The best part was at the end. She knocked on the shared wall and asked the lady, “Did you get the B.O Railroads? I have been looking for that one.”

3.       I was getting coffee at Starbucks and one of the girls took my order and gave it to another girl to make. As this girl read my order of a white mocha she glanced up at me with this seductive glance. I thought, I want the best coffee possible, so I returned with a wooing stare of my own. I started working it, throwing in winks and finger pointing, but I only pointed with the thumb so it looked like I was giving her some retarded thumbs ups. Nevertheless, she was digging it. She wrote me a little note, it read “I like the beard,” there was no punctuation, understandable, it was a quick note. I took heed and started stroking the beard. I went along my jaw line to my chin. I did some more finger pointing and then scratched in an upward motion along my cheek. At that moment the eyes turned to fury. She yelled out “YOO BUSSTURRR!” (Translation: You Bastard!..I think.) Then it occurred to me…I just called this deaf girl a prostitute. I turned around and asked the guy behind me “Is there any soap nearby?”

4.        Eh. I think three is enough.