The Answer to Life is…Ugh! Lost it.

I began this with the intent to write a relatively creative entry. This post was to be “Freshly Pressed” material. If only you could envision my vision I could envision you envisioning my vision…It would be a beautiful thing. Unfortunately, that idea has dissipated and I am left with a scattered strand of cranial matter. I have good reason for this mishap.

A fly.

Fly

There are over one hundred and twenty thousand species of flies. Each genera or family is as annoying as the last. Am I being harsh by condemning these bugs to the title of annoying? No. When you have swatter specifically designated to handle flies, that should signify that something or someone needs an attitude change. I’m talking to you flies.

I do not mind that they land on my tasty treats. It is disgusting, but it is not going to prevent me from devouring that cupcake. While we are on the subject of cupcakes, does anyone else love cupcakes more than a slice of cake? What is it about cake in a cup that makes it more delectable than its sliced counterpart? I digress. It also does not bother me that they, quite fittingly, fly by ear canals and update me with the latest buzz. (That’s just a little fly humor.) It does not even bother me when they try to make sexual advances by crawling up my legs and caressing my arm hair. Each and every fly movement I have described has had an intended destination or purpose.

The most despicable trait a fly has is being an interruption to my peripheral vision. This is the fly that flies in oblong circles. What purpose does this fly serve? It has about a fourteen day life span, yet it will spend a significant portion of that circling the center of my room an in identical pattern. I know it will never land on me, it will never bother my food, but yet I find it to be the most disturbing type of fly.

After doing some extensive research (typing it into Google and choosing the first option that relates to my question), I have limited it down to three reasons why they do this. The first of which is mating protocol. They are sexing it up. They choose to do this in the center of the room because they are exhibitionist. They have twenty thousand one hundred and sixty minutes to live, they are going to do it up big. Circular exhibition insex. They also like reminding you of the fact that they are getting some and you are not. If this fly were in a bar, it would be the first bar-fly to get some. Bad joke. I’m full of them.

The second reason has to do with finding a perch or food. Now, I am unclear as to when they make their move. Is there fly code? Is there a certain time frame or circular motions they have to complete before being allowed to rest or eat? Or are the ones still flying the Caitlin Upton’s of the egg? Maybe they are just wanting to fly through life. If it is a perch they are looking for, the entire room is full of them. As for food, if you haven’t found it in four hundred rotations, it is not there.

The last reason is that they want to interrupt my thought process. Simply put, they see the twinkle of brilliance in my eye, just my left one, and they want to extinguish it. They saw that “Freshly Pressed” was only a circle away and they committed their life to preventing me from obtaining that award. This last reason is dipped in no scientific reasoning, but I believe it to be 100% accurate. Otherwise I have no excuse for my lackadaisical entry or why I have not been Freshly Pressed.

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About Titillating Thoughts

I am called Kenny. I respond to it. I am twenty-three years of age. This blog will represent my unique way of looking at life. It is to be a collection of thoughts that titillate your brain flaps. I am not always politically correct, but it all comes from a comedic nature. I hope you enjoy my dry and sarcastic humor.

Posted on July 8, 2013, in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 6 Comments.

  1. Awesome……..Just Awesome Share.I love it.Looking forward for more.Alex,Thanks.

  2. This is all very upsetting. I have been combing the “Freshly Pressed” pages for you, only to now find out that this piece of shit with wings has deprived me of the joy? So much time wasted…

    I don’t know why everyone is always going on about that butterfly who’s wing flap is changing events on the other side of the world… the flys are doing enough damage right here!

    BTW – Your “extensive research” sounds very much like my own extensive research”.

    • I know. It is all very disappointing. On the happy-side-up, I have bought a fly swatter. Down with the flies, up with the ideas!

      I’m glad you put in the same amount of legwork in your research. It helps when someone puts forth such efforts. It’s what makes a blog go from good to great. Hm. Maybe that’s my problem as well.

  3. Whoops… Feel free to change my who’s to a whose…

  4. I hate anything that buzzes and flies. Flies aren’t as bad as bees. Flies I’m not afraid to fight. At the worst I only have to wait it out 2 weeks an they’ll die of old age. What’s the point of them other than getting you Freshly Pressed?

    • Bees are bad. They are one of the few things we see in our day to day life that people consistently remind you not to upset. “Don’t upset the bee, you don’t want to get it angry!” Bees have some serious attitude issues. They zig and they zag in furious lines. I just want to say, hey look, bee chill.

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